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Ok, so I don’t try very hard.  That’s true. And I recycle heresies like they’re empty two liters of Tab Cola (the official soft drink of Hell).  But I couldn’t get away with being lazy and unoriginal if you guys didn’t fall for this stuff every time.

So let’s review some history:

​About 3500 years ago, God was like, “hey, one day I’ll sacrifice my Son to take away your sins, so you don’t have to kill your kids.”  And then I was like, “No way, you guys should totally take your kids and burn them to death to this god called Molech and that will totally earn forgiveness for you.”

Then, about 2000 years ago, God was like, “hey, dudes, Jesus fulfilled the law, so you don’t have to be circumcised.”  And I was like, “no, if you want to be a Christian, you totally got to chop that off.”

And then, about 1300 years ago, God was like, “hey, if you want to know how I’ve saved you all by myself through the blood of my Son Jesus, you should read this book written by the people He taught.”  And I was like, “No, you shouldn’t believe that book.  You should believe what the guy who never knew or saw Jesus says about him, and if you do a good enough job following that guy, you can earn your way into heaven.”

So when 1820 or whenever it was rolled around, yeah, I wasn’t feeling all that creative.  Yeah, I pretty much just found-and-replaced “Mecca” with “Upstate New York” and “Muhammad” with “Joseph Smith.”  But so what?​

You’ll do or believe anything, no matter how evil or crazy, if it means that you get to earn your own salvation.  You’ll kill your own kids, cut off your own anatomy, give your lives to lunatics, and put on sacred underpants.

But White Castle isn’t going to serve you something higher quality than butt-gravy inducing beef until you stop buying it.  And neither am I.

~The Devil​

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