The Westboro Baptist Chipmunks Song


Time to spread the Christmas cheer chipmunk style.

[Verse 1]
Christmas time is here again, a time of joy and cheer
But we’d rather celebrate by spreading hate and fear
If you’ve ever wondered why we protest and we yell
Here’s a Christmas song explaining why you’ll burn in hell

[Verse 2]
Long, long ago lived a Calvin named John who went crazy when things didn’t fit
So when the Bible said “some but not others,” well, John didn’t like this one bit
“How could a God who is sovereign not save someone if for that person He died?”
That’s what John wondered until he surmised that God must not have actually tried

[Verse 3]
“God only loves you and gave you His Son if you sing in the heavenly song
But if you end up in hell, this must mean that God hated your guts all along!”
We take this nonsense one step even further and say if you’re caught up in sin
Then we can know that Christ isn’t your Savior and God wants to fillet your skin

[Verse 4]
Then if you fight for a country with gays, we will say you’ve endorsed sodomy
Sort of like how, if you like figure skating, you’ve clubbed Nancy Kerrigan’s knee!
Also, conveniently, God doesn’t care about harmless transgressions like ours
So if you’re hateful and heartless and vile; hey that’s cool…LONG AS YOU AIN’T A F-

[gets cut off as old Indian-head test pattern shows over “TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY”. When we cut back, the Chipmunks realize what was wrong.]

Whoa, whoa, whoa
That didn’t rhyme!

[Verse 5]
This is why we protest here and here and here and here
This is why, for worship, we get drunk on widow’s tears
It’s because we serve a God who hates your stupid face
If you think He wants to give a sinner His embrace

Two, three, so…

[Verse 6]
Put away the mistletoe and pack up all your lights
If you’re not a jerk like us this ain’t your Christmas night
Toss your stockings in the fire and throw away your tree
Jesus wasn’t born for you like He was born for me!

Hey, that was really good
Yeah, I bet we convinced all of them!

God hates you!
God hates you!
God hates you
And your ugly mama too!
God hates-

[the voice of God suddenly interrupts them]

You are wrong
I find no joy in condemnation
I love these people
My Son Jesus died for each and every one of them
There is nothing I desire more than to draw every sinner in this world to My side through faith in Christ
And that includes YOU
So, YOU repent
Repent for hating your fellow man and for teaching lies about your God
Repent, or YOU shall surely perish

Wow! This changes everything
Well, I guess there’s only one thing left to do now

[the Chipmunks are seen picketing outside the Pearly Gates now]

[Chipmunks] (2x)
You hate You!
You hate You!
You hate You
And Your kingdom smells like poo!

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